Commentary to BuzzFeed’s “The 57 Best Conspiracy Theories I Heard At New Jersey’s 55th Annual UFO Conference” Part 3

Part 1 is here. This is a response to this listicle.

41. Zeus was not an angel. Zeus was a Hero of Old. (?)

PlanetNiles: Zeus was once known as Teshub. Also written as Tehuvh. Or Yehuvh. Do you see where I’m going here? Many masks. Many names. Same entity.

CuttyDarke: According to who you speak with Zeus was either:

  1. An alien trapped on Earth.
  2. An ascended human.
  3. An unusually kinky ultraterrestrial trying to uplift human society.
  4. Or an uppity courtly fay with delusions of grandeur even larger than usual.

CuttyDarke: All are equally true and equally false. Like anyone gives a damn. All we know for sure was that he’s a fantastic shag. And a massive arsehole.

PlanetNiles; And this is why we can’t have nice things.

40. Goliath was a descendant of Zeus.

CuttyDarke: I dunno. Maybe.

PlanetNiles: Actually that sounds vaguely plausible. He could also have been a Nephilim.

CuttyDarke: Anyway is massive height wasn’t a strength but a weakness. He most certainly a pituitary giant, with all the problems that gigantism brings with it.

39. The Garden of Eden was located in what is now Göbekli Tepe, in Turkey.

CuttyDarke: Yup. Pretty much. It’s certainly the seat of organised religion and farming according to most archaeologists. It was organised religion that came first, forcing farming to be developed  so that worshippers could be fed.

PlanetNiles: Life in the garden was pretty much a hunter gatherer lifestyle. Farming was the fall from grace. Bloody green grocers.

38. A book called The Urantia Book, whose authors are angels, and which has a blue cover, inspired the name of the now-defunct Project Blue Book, the Air Force program that investigated UFO reports.

PlanetNiles:

CuttyDarke: Just let me check.

PlanetNiles: I’ve never heard of the Urantia Book. Is it important? Is it on my proscribed list?

CuttyDarke: No it’s in the massive pile of channelled wisdom I keep saying, every year, I’m going to read but never get around it because the prose is always dire. The book of Mormon put me right off! Maybe the King James Bible and Journey to the West have spoiled me.

PlanetNiles: Isn’t it amazing how many of these spiritual beings always channel to people who have exactly the same prejudices as themselves. You oh so rarely get people receiving head messages that contradict their own beliefs. No! Wait! I’m getting messages coming through from the other side! It’s a multitude of voices! They say…

PlanetNiles: “Bite me!

CuttyDarke: The Urantia Book wasn’t published until 1955, two years after Blue Book was published. So unless they were handing out advanced copies to the air force we’re going with no.

37. Mount Hermon is tied to alien-demons, which we know because its topography, symbolic of Satan, is in the shape of a goat. I can definitely see it, once the guy who tells us this draws the outline of a goat over the map.

CuttyDarke: We need to stand up for goats. They are awesome animals that get far too much bad press. There is nothing Satanic about goats.

PlanetNiles: Have you ever owned one?

CuttyDarke: They can be grumpy, smelly, foul tempered and indelicate. But they are not evil.

PlanetNiles: You know. Squinting at the map I think they could be onto something. I’m certainly getting an air of evil. Could it be? Donald Trump’s hair!

36. People used to be as tall as 150-foot cedar trees.

CuttyDarke: Nope. Three words: Dinosaurs, Megafauna and Stupidity.

PlanetNiles: What she said.

35. But the worldwide average height for giants is 15-18 feet.

CuttyDarke: Based upon what figures? Where to do put the dividing line between an unusually tall person and a giant?

PlanetNiles: Is this a current figure or a historical figure?

34. Klerksdorp spheres are evidence of intelligent life on other planets. Everyone agrees they also look like the Death Star.

PlanetNiles: Nope. No. Nada. On all points. They are very much geological in nature.

CuttyDarke: Actually they’re evidence of ancient cricket.

33. Human DNA is 7% alien. (Because they’ve been hooking up with us.)

CuttyDarke: Speak for yourself dude. Are you calling my mother an Intergalactic Whore? Because I will tell her and she will fight you.

PlanetNiles: Actually this might be true. Although they’re no more aliens than we are. They’re just differently human. In fact I don’t think that there’s a human alive today who doesn’t have some trace of another hominid in their DNA.

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