Commentary to BuzzFeed’s “The 57 Best Conspiracy Theories I Heard At New Jersey’s 55th Annual UFO Conference” Part 1

Original article can be found here.

57. The CIA controls the New York Times, the Washington Post, other reputable leading newspapers, and some academics.

Cutty: No. That’s the Illuminati.

PlanetNiles: There is no Illuminati. You’re thinking of Rupert Murdoch.

Cutty: That’s what I said. Rupert Murdoch just thinks he’s the Illuminati.

56. David Rockefeller put every president from Ford onward into the White House.

Cutty: Are there no other billionaires buying their way into the White House? I can actually reveal that every president has been in the pocket of some, but not all, of the 1% for decades. It all cancels out.

PlanetNiles: The President is actually a figurehead, much like our Queen. Who sits in the oval office makes no difference to the actual character of the US government; That’s in the control of the giant ants that live under the Pentagon.

55. The Aspen Institute is the “open Bilderberg.”

Cutty: The Aspen Institute is actually a front for the secret US government agency as detailed in the documentary series “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” The recent film was horrifically inaccurate.

PlanetNiles: This is why we can’t have nice things.

54. CERN, the The European Organization for Nuclear Research, has a logo that looks like 666 in a twist.

PlanetNiles: Actually it’s 69696.

CuttyDarke: That’s two and a half 69’s. The actual secret is that CERN is a massive Swingers club. You heard it here first. Lock up your daughters, sons and large mammals when CERN are in town.

53. They are trying to recreate the Big Bang.

PlanetNiles: Well duh. I mean they’re not trying to create a new universe, yet. We have people for that already. And the LHC has opened at least one Wyrmhole, bringing a powerful dragon to Earth which we had to return to sender. But CERN’s goal is to investigate the fundamental nature of the universe.

CuttyDarke: And to do that they need to smash small bits of it into each other to see what comes out, Recreating some of the aspects of the big bang in the process. It’s what they claim to be doing. Please try harder when you’re coming up with conspiracy theories.

PlanetNiles: It’s the sexiest science on the block right now.

Cutty Darke: That’s why they’re all swingers.

52. We are placated by the NFL, and also “Dancing with the Stars.”

PlanetNiles: True. Actually this one’s true.

CuttyDarke: What do you think that stuff is for? I mean some of it is for your own good. And some of it is to stop you rising up and overthrowing the arseholes you think you put in charge.

51. Soon 3D printing will be able to 3D print a being.

CuttyDarke: It depends upon you definition of “being” and “soon”. If by “soon” you mean soon on a geological scale then yes. If by “being” you mean some sort of homunculus or poppet that you can imbue with life, then yes. We can do that already. If you mean some sort of self aware human being then don’t hold your breath. It’s not going to happen in our life times unless we live for over a century or something.

PlanetNiles: I heard Doctor Promethean was planning on assembling a 3D printed person but still needed a human brain. Of course it’s rumour and scuttlebutt; he’d rather adopt again.

50. The Biblical flood took place in 2400 B.C.E.

PlanetNiles: Ooh I know this one. No. More like 9000 B.C.E.

CuttyDarke: That’s what  the boss says, and she was there. Although she can be a bit iffy about precise dates.

PlanetNiles: She told me it was a Thursday. Completely wrecked her weekend plans.


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